You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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