Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
