Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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