you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
