you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
