I'm passing your future prison.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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