Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ugly people sure do ruin things
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
