For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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