nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
