so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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