My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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