new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
