fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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