Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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