I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
