im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
