I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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