I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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