I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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