I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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