I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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