You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
