Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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