if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
