she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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