Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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