How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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