what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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