just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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