We're facebook friends in real life
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
