you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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