cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
