Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
