Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
