I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
