My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
