my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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