I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
