I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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