i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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