a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
