uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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