woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
