I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
