Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
