My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
