Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
