we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
