Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
