i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
