Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
