i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My vagina just recognized that song.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
