The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
