The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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