youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
