apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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