I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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